FUTURAMA: Them vs Us
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Planet Express meets the competition...
1. Default Chapter

Futurama: "Them vs. Us"  
  
Started: March12, 2004  
  
Finished: March 21, 2004  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
Bender, Fry and Amy sit on the couch. Leela walks in from the kitchen holding a can of Slurm.  
  
"What are you guys watching?" she asks.  
  
"Can't talk, TV..." Fry trials off.  
  
"All My Circuits," Bender replies.  
  
The voice on the television announces, "We now return to ... All My Circuits."  
  
Calculon: "Doctor, what has happened?!"  
  
Doc: "It appears somebody has - ERASED his memory!"  
  
Calculon: "Who would do such an evil, vile thing to a fellow robot? To destroy the thing that one would hold so dearly?!" he over dramatizes.  
  
Doc: "Shakes his head, "I don't know," and inserts a Windows 3002 disc. The robot makes a Windows "start up" sound.  
  
"You people should be ashamed of yourself, you..."  
  
"You would think that, but no," says Fry.  
  
"I'm a robot; I'm not programmed for shame," he scratches his crotch.  
  
"Think of what the Professor would say," comments Leela.  
  
"Nah," says Amy.  
  
The door slides open and in walks the professor.  
  
"Good news everybody!"  
  
"What is it Professor? Did your new collection of assorted wires come in?"  
  
"Even better! I am going to be able to cut the business operating cost by 50%!"  
  
"Wow, how did you do it?" asks Fry.  
  
"By downsizing. Fry, Amy, Scruffy, you're all fired. Er, ah, sorry."  
  
"Hey! That's not good news!" says Fry.  
  
"It is to my space wallet," replies the professor.  
  
"How come?" demands Leela.  
  
"The competition," replies the professor.  
  
"Wait - Planet Express doesn't have any local competition. What gives?" asks Fry.  
  
"Welfare if you bums don't find work," says Bender.  
  
"A month ago Planet Hoppers opened up, attracting customers with their shinny red ship, lower prices and employees who don't routinely die while on duty," says the professor.  
  
"Routinely die?" comments Fry.  
  
"Anyway, I had to slash the budget just to make end means."  
  
"So what does that make us?" asks Fry.  
  
"Screwed I suppose," says the professor.  
  
"Ha! Ha! I got a job and you guys don't! Don't let the door slide shut on your ass on the way out," Bender says. ((((()))))  
  
"Well, can't you keep us here util we find some other line of work?" questions Fry.  
  
"Probably, but think of all the money I will lose."  
  
"I can't find other work. I'm not qualified for anything. I'm not even qualified for this job!" says Amy.  
  
"We can't let them do this to us. Sure our prices are higher. Sure our service is spotty at best. Sure 50% of the time cargo doesn't reach it's intended destination," Leela exclaims.  
  
The door slides open and in walks Hermies. He speaks up, "Who wants their 'I'm Fired' T-shirts?  
  
No on says anything.  
  
"Here you go Fry. It's spandex, for when you get older and lose your dreams and hopes and eat your way to happiness. And Amy, don't think I forgot about you. Here's a pretty pink table top," he holds it against her. It says, "Recently Canned".  
  
"I skimped on quality, so what ever you do, don't actually wear them," says the professor.  
  
"Where's Scruffy?" asks Hermies.  
  
"Over here," he replies.  
  
"This one's especially for you. Appropriate is it not?" he gives it to Scruffy.  
  
Scruffy holds it up. It reads, "Kicked the Bucket"  
  
"Scruffy is disillusioned."  
  
"Hey! How come everyone else gets a T-shirt? What about Bender? I'm a T-shirt sort of guy."  
  
"Sorry, only laid off personal get one," replies the professor.  
  
"That's not right! I demand I get a shirt!" Bender demands.  
  
The Professor responds, "So you want to be fired too?"  
  
"Damned straight! Bring it on!" exclaims Bender.  
  
"What ever you say," he takes a shirt from Hermies and hands it to Bender, "congratulations, you're fired."  
  
"Owww ... who would have thought material wealth would not brig me happiness," says a disenchanted Bender.  
  
"Ahhh ... 60%..." says the professor.  
  
"Everyone, take off those T-shirts!" commands Leela.  
  
Everyone does. Bender stops struggling with his to pay attention.  
  
"We need to come up with a strategy," says Leela.  
  
"Leela's right!" Fry stand up proudly, "tomorrow I'll actually buy a news paper to search for jobs!"  
  
Leela takes a shirt, rolls it and whip-snaps Fry on the behind.  
  
"Ow..." moans Fry.  
  
"Maybe if we go over there and ask them to quit it real politely," says the Professor.  
  
"That may not work, in mean time we need to shape up and find out all we can about Planet Hoppers," Leela says and stands up to take charge.  
  
Fry lets down a small electronic note pad and pen, "Wait, what was that first part again?" 


	2. Chapter 2 F B

CHAPTER 2:  
  
Bender and Fry sneak up toward the side of the Planet Hoppers headquarters.  
"Look how high up those windows are; we'll never be able to see in there," says Fry.  
"Fry old pal, leave that to me," suddenly Bender's body moves upwards with the telescopic action of his legs.  
"Pretty cool. I didn't know you could do that."  
"Me neither. That's nothing compared to other things I can do. You should hear what the ladies say."  
"Can you see anything?" asks Fry.  
"I can see in many different spectrums, including X-ray Fry. You're going to have to be a bit more specific."  
"Can you see what they're doing in there?"  
"Wait ... hold on," his eyes zoom out of his face. He makes a sound with his mouth, "eeerrrieee, click!" the point on his antennae flashes.  
"What do you see?" asks Fry.  
"A bunch of boxes," replies Bender.  
"Can I help you gentlemen?"  
"Huh!" exclaims Fry.  
Bender comes back down.  
"Ah, yeah, we were looking for thee, ah, entrance," he scratches his head.  
"Nope," says Bender, "it's not up there. Well, I guess we'll try the next side."  
"Oh, we moved the front door to the other side a couple weeks ago. People were having trouble reaching it. Right this way gentlemen," says the Planet Hoppers employee in uniform.  
"Wait, isn't that your left?"  
  
Fry and Bender walk in Planet Hoppers. There is a 25-foot high dome ceiling, soft neon white lights, thoroughly organized appearance and a greeting counter complete with friendly employee.  
"How are you today?"  
"What???" says Bender.  
"Ah, fine I guess..."  
"How may I serve you today?" smiles.  
"I don't like this ... what's that funny thing he's doing with his mouth?" asks Bender.  
"You mean smiling?" answers Fry.  
"Yeah, that. I don't like it. Let's cheese it."  
"I think we need to mail something..." Fry attempts to stall while he thinks of what to do.  
"Yeah! Bender slams a hand onto the counter top, "we need a package shipped post haste to Omicron Persei 8. And I mean it better be snappy!"  
"Okay, we have same day delivery for only 50.00."  
"50.00?!" says Fry in surprise.  
"You mean, today?" says an astonished Bender.  
"Yes. The package would arrive in just a few hours."  
"No rest stops?" asks Bender.  
"No."  
"Layovers?"  
"No."  
"Or pointless excursions of a personal nature?"  
The employee shakes his head no.  
"Damn, they are pretty good."  
"Just give us the item and we will begin the process."  
Bender opens his chest plate and shifts around until he pulls out a small wrapped box, "Here."  
Runs it through a machine and a yellow light glows, "Okay. That'll be 50.00."  
Bender pulls out a fifty-dollar bill. The employee reaches out to shake Bender's hand after taking the money. Bender backs up in horror and shouts, "Fry! He's trying to touch me!"  
"Have a nice day," the employee waves.  
Fry and Bender back up toward the exit and says, "I think he's trying to flash me his gang symbol. Boot!"  
They take off running. As they are running Fry turns his head and asks Bender, "Bender, why'd you give that your money?"  
"Well, we had to test it out."  
"But that was 50.00!"  
"That's okay, I lifted his wallet back in the alley," replies Bender.  
  
Back at Planet Express headquarters.  
"And then he gave me the finger and showed his teeth. Animals I tell you, pure animals!"  
"Oh, this doesn't bode well for the rest of you," comments the Professor.  
"Why's that Professor?" asks Fry.  
"Cause I may have to further slash operational costs," replies Hubert.  
"I think I smell more T-shirts," says Hermies.  
They all grumble.  
"They can't beat us. If we all strive really hard, use ambition and determination, we can take back the business that was rightfully ours! WE have courage and pure will power!" Leela says.  
They all shout at once, "Yeah!!!!!"  
  
On week later.  
"I can't believe we've lost another 20%. If this keeps up I may have to cut all of you and close," says the Professor.  
"No! You can't shut down, I live here!"  
Leela speaks up, "Professor, what would you do?"  
"Oh, I'd still be here. I own the place after all. I guess I'd go back to my extraordinarily wacky inventions. Oh how I miss my monkey brain control and assorted wires."  
"We can't sit idly by while out only means of okay support go the way of Erik Estrada's career," says Fry.  
"Fry's right for a change. I'm going straight over there and giving them a piece of my mind!" says Leela.  
  
"Slams her hands on the countertop and shouts, "I demand to see the head of this operation!"  
"Okay," replies the employee. "And I won't take no for an... okay?" says a stunned Leela.  
"Yes. Just follow me this way please," he turns to walk.  
Leela turns around she stops. Fry peaks from behind a side wall and says, "Is it safe?"  
She signals for him to follow, "Just get over here."  
  
They walk up to an office door. The name plaque reads, "Terrance Calvin, Manager,"  
The employee buzzes the doorbell.  
"Yes?" says the boss.  
"You have two customers here to see you."  
"Ah, send them right in please," says in a low, deep voice.  
The door opens and they see a black chair facing backwards. It spins around and there, on a robot body is a head jar.  
"Oh wow, T.C.!" exclaims Fry.  
"T.C.?" asks Leela.  
"He's a character from an old television show called Magnum, pi."  
The door slams shut. Fry and Leela jump a tad. The door opens back up slowly.  
"I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard," says T.C., "come on in."  
"Why is an ancient TV show character running a million dollar business?" asks Leela.  
"Because it wants to. Look lady, I don't know why you two are here, but I have several things I need to be doing."  
"Where's Tom Selleck?" asks Fry.  
"I have papers to sign," says T.C.  
"Is his head in a jar too?"  
"Expense reports to pure over..."  
"And John Hillerman?"  
"Damn- no one ever remembers my real name," sighs T.C.  
"Sure I do, it's ... it's, James Earl Jones," says Fry.  
"Sigh, no."  
"Will Smith."  
"Ut-ah."  
"That guy from Ghostbusters?" asks Fry.  
"You mean you ... DON'T know his name?"  
"Ernie Hudson. That's it!"  
"Man..."  
"Look here you bodiless suavite! You're stealing our business and driving and old company into the ground. Either stop now, or face the wrath of my boots!" orders Leela.  
"Oh no! Not a boot-to-the-head! Heh, heh, Stu, Don, escort these two out."  
Two holographic security guards appear. One pulls out a baton.  
"Oh no, I watched Red Dwarf. Holograms can't hurt us," Fry folds his arms and remains still.  
The officer clubs him over the head.  
"Think more along the lines of Star Trek. Loser," says T.C.  
"You haven't seen the last of us Mister Calvin. We'll be back," says Leela.  
"Bye," he rolls his eyes up.  
They get pushed out the door.  
  
His intercom sounds.  
"Mister Calvin, your three o'clock is here."  
"Send him in."  
"Hey T.C.!"  
"Thomas? You're not my three o'clock appointment! What are you doing here?!"  
"Now T.C., I need to ask you a small favor," says Magnum.  
"What?"  
"I need to borrow your spaceship."  
"No!"  
"Come on! Just for one day. I promise!" 


	3. Chapter 3 F B

CHAPTER 3:  
  
Fry looks at his "I'm Fired" shirt. It reads, "Shit Canned".  
"Hey Amy, you want my shirt?" says Fry.  
"Sure. I'll just dye the thing the color of the letters. The one Hermies gave to me doesn't fit anyway."  
"Well, here," he gives it to her.  
"Yippee! Now I have two. I could start a collection."  
"Eh, knock yourself out," says a depressed Fry who walks away with a slouched back and heavy eye lids.  
The Professor walks in, "Damnit! This blows. And not like a five- breasted space whore. I'm sorry, but unless we turn a profit within the next week, I'll have no choice but to fire all of you."  
"Maybe we should get into the T-shirt business. I hear firings are the hot fad this year," says Hermies.  
"Even you Hermies," says the Professor.  
"Great coconuts! Not me Professor, I've been with the company for over five years now!"  
  
Fry walks over to the Planet Express ship. He looks up at it and sees Leela's reflection in the cockpit glass windows.  
  
"Hey Leela."  
"Go away Fry."  
"I can't."  
"Fry I mean it," she hangs her head low and turns to the side so he can't see her face.  
"I accidentally locked myself in. What'cha doing up here all by yourself?"  
"Pondering."  
"Cool. Does that have anything to do with fishing?"  
"You know, I sit here and it feels so right. This is the third job I've had. Not a single one of them ever made me feel so appreciated. I'm in command and others look up to me."  
"Well, you are the tallest member of the crew."  
"And now here I am; about to be forced from my throne," she runs her right hand over the captain's chair's arm rest, "I don't want to give it up. It's my chair."  
"I know how you feel. When I was six there was this chair I used to like sitting in every lunch break and..."  
"Fry," says Leela.  
"Yeah?"  
"Just hold my hand."  
He holds her hand and then says, "Wait – I think I got an idea."  
  
Fry leaves a small paper bag of dog shit in front of the Planet Hoppers entrance. Then Leela and him run behind the corner after having rung the doorbell.  
Fry claps his hands twice and the bag catches fire.  
The door slides open like on Star Trek. The employee looks down and then turns around to go back in. He comes back out with a fire extinguisher and blows the fire out. He goes back in and the doors slide shut.  
A small robot peeps out from a electronic doggie-door in the road curb and cleans the bag up. It disappears back.  
"That was a terrible idea. Why did I even listen to you?"  
"Because you were feeling unsure and vulnerable."  
A robot on wheels rolls up to them and says, "Telegram," and then hands Fry a card. The robot holds out it's hand in hopes for recompense.  
"Oh yeah," says Fry and slaps his hand, "thanks."  
The robot moves off beeping obscenities.  
"I wonder who it's from. Open it," says Leela.  
HE does and a holographicly projected image of T.C.'s head appears in mid air above the opened card.  
"Neener, neener, neeeeeneeerrr. So long, suckers. I hope we'll be able to deliver your welfare checks. Tootalue," he blows then kisses.  
"Crud," says Fry.  
  
They all sit on the couch and chairs in Bender's spare closet.  
"Well, I guess this is it. It's been nice knowing you Leela, Amy, Bender, Johnson..." says the Professor.  
"My name isn't Johnson," says Fry.  
"My bad – that was the last crew..."  
"I guess we'll now just fade into obscurity. To never deliver again. Well, at least I have my rich parents and good looks," says Amy.  
"Back in my day only men were from Mars," says Fry.  
"Guh, it's awful hot in here," Amy takes off her "Shit Canned" T- shirt.  
They all gasp.  
"What?" she asks.  
"You've got words written on your body," says the Professor.  
She looks down.  
"I can't see them. Leela, please tell me what they say."  
"Shit Bucket."  
"There's no need for name calling," says Amy.  
"No, that's what if says. Your entire torso is pink and the letters are black. I think the ink from the shirt dyed "Shit Bucket" onto your skin," says Leela.  
"Isn't anyone else looking at her boobies?" says Fry.  
"Right here," replies Bender.  
"That's impossible. I specifically ordered the no-run ink dye. Hummm," he scans the package with a handy scanning device from his coat pocket, "My, my," he then scans Amy, "both packages are completely covered with Bamma radiation!"  
"Bamma?" asks Hermies.  
"I don't think any of us would have ever known," he looks at the camera.  
"Cool. Is it lethal?" asks Fry.  
"Oh my yes. It causes vomiting and severe diarrhea and just before you die your eyes melt from your sockets and you have five heart attacks," says the Professor.  
Fry, Scruffy, Amy all look at the Professor wide eyed.  
  
In the next scene they are at Planet Express in the chemical shower. Amy is scrubbing vigorously.  
"I can't get it off, I can't get it off," she says.  
"Here, let me try," says Fry.  
She slaps his hand.  
Zoidberg pops his head in, "Another ten minutes and you'll all be done," he looks at Fry's crotch, "Fry, you want me to take care of that?" he snaps his claws.  
"Keep those shlong scissors away from me," he backs up in horror.  
"I still don't understand how the shirts got infected with Bamma radiation anyway. Where did we get those shirts from?" asks the Professor.  
"They were shipped here," replies Hermies.  
"Funny," comment the Professor, "I don't remember seeing that in the mail. I should know, I check the damn thing every twenty minutes. Let me see where this little death box come from..." he walks over to the empty package.  
"No! Don't!" exclaims Hermies.  
The Professor reads the delivery sticker.  
"Planet Hoppers?! Not those money sucking space warts!"  
Fry turns to Hermies and says, "How could you? They're the competition! You were gonna lose your job because of them!"  
Hermies twiddles his thumbs and looks down, "I couldn't help it!" he looks back up, "They had such lower rates. Please forgive me Professor," he puts his hands together in plea.  
"Oh, oh all right. But only because you know the terrible, terrible secret of space."  
"Yes. No one must ever know of the terrible, terrible secret of space," replies Hermies.  
"What secret?" asks Fry.  
"I don't know what you are referring to. You can all stop looking at me now."  
"Fry, while you and Bender were at Planet Hoppers, you didn't per chance happen to see a yellow light?" asks the Professor.  
"Yeah. When they scanned Bender's package I saw a yellow glow."  
"Professor, isn't Bamma radiation illegal?" asks Leela.  
"Indeed. After they found out Emeril's head had invented it to spray his crops, they nuked his head and banned the deadly substance."  
"That means all of Planet Hoppers packages have been exposed. All we got to do is leak this to the media and they'll be out of business!" says Leela  
"Way a head of ya," Bender puts a cell phone back into his chest compartment.  
"Yay!" shouts Amy.  
"That's great! Now we'll all get to keep our jobs!" says Fry.  
"Scruffy is overcome with emotion," says Scruffy.  
"Wait, didn't you say you skimped on the T-shirts?" asks Amy.  
"Yes," the Professor extends the word out.  
"So was it the Bamma radiation, or the crappy craftsmanship?" Amy inquires.  
"You mean I stood in here naked with the janitor for no reason?" says Amy.  
"Scruffy was moved in ways beyond known thought," says Scruffy.  
"What's wrong with being naked? I'm naked right now," says the Professor.  
"Hide your shame Professor," says Leela.  
"Eh ... what shame?" he replies.  
  
They all watch the news on TV back at the apartment. Bender smokes a cigar.  
"Any in other news," says the blonde female newscaster, "local business Planet Hoppers was shut down today when it was learned that the company used Bamma radiation to scan it's packages. Many people have been affected by the radiation."  
"Yes, many humans have swelled up and died! Morbo is pleased."  
"Authorities are still searching for owner/operator T.C., who at his hour remains at large."  
Leela turns off the television.  
"Well, I guess everything is back to normal," says Bender.  
"Yep," says Fry.  
They sit there.  
"Anyone have anything funny to say?" asks Leela.  
"Nope," replies Bender.  
"Not really," says Amy.  
"No," Fry ads.  
"I do – get back to work you lazy slackers!" shouts the Professor while shaking a fist.  
"Wait – weren't you drinking a can of Slurm a couple days or so ago?" Fry asks Leela.  
"Yeah. Why?"  
"Don't you remember where that comes from?" replies Fry.  
"Leela holds her mouth, "Umph!" 


End file.
